


I Want to Inspire You

by thesometimeswarrior



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Family, Gen, Growth, Guilt, Post-Episode: s06e09 Little Graduation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22485598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesometimeswarrior/pseuds/thesometimeswarrior
Summary: “He said that, because he’s always been trying to help his friends, he doesn’t know who heiswithout them. Without being able to help them. And, like, Igetit, but that seems a littleintense, right? That this kid has built his entire identity not just on how other people see him, but, literally on howusefulhe could be to them?! I dunno, it’s just—” Lars stops suddenly. “Are you…okay?”It’s not until he asks this that Pearl realizes that there are tears welling up in her eyes, notices the way her hand has flown over her mouth, clutching it.Pearl finds common ground between her and Steven. She wishes she hadn't.
Relationships: Lars Barriga & Pearl, Lars Barriga & Steven Universe, Pearl & Steven Universe
Comments: 50
Kudos: 402





	I Want to Inspire You

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "Strong in the Real Way" from the episode _Coach Steven_.

When she doesn’t have engagements with humans—or at Little Homeschool—Pearl doesn’t tend to concern herself with human metrics of time. That said, though, she’s fairly certain that it’s in the middle hours of the night—far later that she would expect any human to be _awake_ , much less out-and-about—when she spies Lars pacing across the shore toward where she sits on the porch of the beach house.

Not so long ago, she wouldn’t have recognized him at all, just as she wouldn’t have recognized any of the human residents of Beach City. She’d been content, even _desperate_ , to self-segregate from them, and it’s only in retrospect that Pearl realizes that part of that may have been born out of projection. As if she blamed the loss of Rose—and by extension everything that made her feel—on the fact that Rose had always loved to fraternize with humans…Safer, better, surely, to stay away from them, on the other side of a fence…

Steven, of course, had been the exception. But, then, for so long Pearl had— _wrongly_ —viewed him as a Gem (even as _Rose_ ) in a human body, with human bodily needs, certainly, but a full Gem at his core. Eventually, she’d come to understand that while he _was_ a full Gem, Steven was _also_ a full human. Both of those things could be and in fact were true. And to love him as she did and always had had been, in addition to everything else, to love a human being. 

It had been this realization—and Steven’s love of the human friends who lived in his town—that had pressed her gradually to come to know them too, even to befriend them. But even with that being the case she had not come to know Lars himself until later. For one thing, he wasn’t on Earth when she had bonded with so many of his neighbors, but she’d begun that process earlier than he’d been kidnapped. Really, he’d been like her, so buried in shame and uncertainty that he was desperate to hide, that often he’d hidden _himself_ in the process…

But when he’d returned from Homeworld, Lars had been different. Yes—he’d sported a scar, and was now same shade of pink that Lion and Rose and sometimes Steven and even Pink herself had worn. But it was more than that—a newfound confidence in who he was, a groundedness that he’d never had before. And having already befriended Gems—and begun to deconstruct the barriers he had put up around himself once upon a time, he’d wanted to get to know all of them, Pearl included. 

And he had.

“Are you not tired?” Pearl calls down to him, now, when he gets within hearing range.

“Nah, I’m like a Gem, these days. At least the not-needing-sleep part. Made it easier in Space.” He motions to the porch with a nod of his chin. “Can I come up?”

“Of course,” Pearl replies, and then, after he ascends the stairs, she motions to the seat across from her and asks: “Would you like to sit down?”

“I’m good,” Lars says, instead leaning against the guard-rail. “I—” 

“Can I get you anything to eat? I’m not sure we have much in the house— _we_ don’t need food, and Steven’s been so busy lately, but I could—”

“No. That’s okay. Thanks.” He pauses. “Actually, that’s why I’m here. I need to talk to you about Steven. I’d have waited ‘til the morning, but the Off-Colors and I are headed back into Space in a few hours, and—”

“It’s alright,” Pearl interrupts, attempting—and most likely failing—to mask her impatience. The instant he had mentioned Steven, any thought of small talk fled her Gem. “What about Steven?”

“I’m worried about him. Tonight, he…well, I don’t know if he has some new powers or what, but—”

“New powers?”

“Yeah, he did this thing where he became all pink—” 

“He…became…Pink?” He’d become Pink too, in the Reef, had _screamed_ …

(His scream had made Volleyball _cower,_ the Reef crumbled around them, there had been so much _pain_ in Steven’s eyes…)

“Yeah, but not like me!” Lars adds hastily, apparently misinterpreting her horror. “He was still, like…alive. But he built this big dome thing, and it almost crushed everyone at the party! I’d have probably been fine—I mean, I’m already kinda a _zombie_ —but everyone else could’ve gotten really hurt!”

“I…Of course. Steven should have— _we_ should have—”

“No, wait, lemme finish. It’s not the dome thing. Or the powers thing—we’re all used to stuff like that by now. Well, except Shep, I guess, but Sadie probably explained it all to them…” Lars sighs. “It’s that Steven seemed really scared and upset about the idea of everyone moving on with their lives, ya know? Like _reaaalllly_ upset. And, like, I get it…Being a teenager is really hard and scary, and you never know what’s going on, and you worry _so much_ what other people think about you…I _sure_ did…and everything’s changing more quickly than you can keep up with it and change is _hard_. But it was something else that Steven said that made me think I should tell ya…”

“ _Yes_?”

“He said that, because he’s always been trying to help his friends, he doesn’t know who he _is_ without them. Without being able to help them.” He pauses. “And, like, I _get_ it, but that seems a little _intense_ , right? That this kid has built his entire identity not just on how other people see him, but, literally on how _useful_ he could be to them?! I dunno, it’s just—” Lars stops suddenly. “Are you…okay?”

It’s not until he asks this that Pearl realizes that there are tears welling up in her eyes, notices the way her hand has flown over her mouth, clutching it... (It’s a loaded gesture for her, admittedly, but there’s no gag order that compels her now, just habit, just love, just concern, just aching, _aching_ similarity…) 

But now is not the time to process such things. And she _will_ process them, will determine what to do with this information about this quality that she and Steven apparently share that she wishes to the Stars that they _didn’t_. But she hardly knows Lars. 

Once, that fact may not have stopped her. Once, she’d have repressed and repressed until the pressure inside her Gem was just too _much_ and her messy emotions spewed out over anyone unfortunate enough to be standing nearby…(Like Steven had _exploded_ Pink in the Reef…things building and building inside him, until… _until_...)

But she’s grown. 

Pearl lowers her hand, as she meets Lars’s eyes, and, when she speaks, she wills her voice not to shake. “Yes. I’m…I’ll be alright.”

“Right. Good. Well…” he grips the back of his neck with his hand. “I just thought I should give you a heads-up. Cuz I’m heading back out to Space, and well, Steven’s always welcome to come visit me, but I don’t know if he will, and even if he does…I don’t think I know how to handle…I mean I was never much good at being a teenager _myself_ and I’m only just getting the hang of it now that it seems like I’m gonna be one forever, and, like, I can be a _friend_ to Steven, but you all are like his family, right? And when I was sixteen—like _actually_ sixteen—my parents never really knew how to help me, and I don’t know if you know how to help _him_ , but at least now maybe you know what the problem is…? I don’t know…”

For an instant—and only for an instant—she’s pulled from her concern for Steven to see Lars himself, the ghost of that old awkwardness and uncertainty that must still be buried inside him, a part of him. The ghosts of all the people _she’s_ been are certainly still contained within her, and it’s only recently that she’s managed to accept and embrace that, and _that_ had been its own struggle too…

She paces over to him, and lays a hand on his shoulder. Anxiety and utter _panic_ crawl just beneath the surface of her Gem, but Lars doesn’t need to shoulder those for her. When Pearl speaks, she tries to sound as calm and grounding as Lars deserves. “I appreciate you telling me. We’ll talk to Steven.”

He blinks, such sentiment and reassurance apparently foreign in his grasp. “Oh. Right…good. Well, I should get going…We’re trying to blast off pretty soon.”

“Say hello to the Stars for me.”

“Yeah…And seriously, tell Steven to come visit, okay?”

“I will.”

* * *

Compartmentalizing is not the same as repressing, Pearl thinks. Namely because in the former, one actually takes the time to unpack whatever unpleasant thoughts and feelings had brought them to wherever they are. 

It’s a distinction that she’s admittedly struggled with in the past. But not now. And as soon as Lars disappears around the bend, Pearl succumbs to the panic. Lets herself sag for a moment, but then has the wherewithal to realize that if she’s going to do this, she should do it inside the Temple. (All she needs is for Steven to descend the stairs for a late-night snack or glass of water, see her wailing from outside the window, and then take it upon his own still-too-young shoulders to comfort her, like she had unwittingly compelled him to do so many times when he was a child…No. Best to be in her own room, where there’s no chance he’ll see…)

She enters the Beach House and crosses the living room and kitchen quietly, with the same gossamer gait she’d used two eras ago, back when she danced for and not with Diamonds. 

When she is, finally, safely alone in her room in the Temple, the anxiety grips her once again, carries her down to the floor, and this time, when the tears push out of her eyes, when her hands fly to her face, she doesn’t stop them.

_Steven._

For so long, she’d hoped…dared to _dream_ …that some small part of her had rubbed off on him, that she’d _inspired_ him…

And now it seems that she _had_ , in all the wrong ways.

(She too, had once constructed an entire identity around her ability to be _useful_. It had taken _millennia_ for her to unlearn, she’d only eventually been able to do it with _his_ help…and once she had, she was so busy reveling in her own liberation, her own growth…)

(How had she not seen what was happening to him?)

The answer, when it comes to her, finally, is another punch to the Gemstone. She hadn’t seen it, because she’d _caused_ it. 

Well, she hadn’t caused it _alone_. Once, she might have been narcissistic and self-martyring enough to pretend—even _believe_ —that she had, but it had in actuality been all three of them, the way they’d made him carry the burdens of their millennia of baggage, the way _she’d_ pushed her bottomless grief into his all-too-eager-to-help hands…

(He’d _wanted_ to help!)

(He’d been a _child_.)

The line between support and self-sacrifice is so _achingly_ thin…she of all people should _know_ …

(Once, she’d unwittingly tried to turn Connie into a pearl, and the thought of that now still makes her want to collapse in on herself. The thought that she—they _all_ —might have done the same thing to _Steven_ …)

Pearl takes a grounding breath, slowly pulls her hands down from her face. These angst spirals—familiar and comfortable though they may be—will not solve the problem, will not help Steven. 

The question must be what to do now. How to support him without setting him on the defensive—yet another thing she knows all too much about. She’ll consult with the others. They’ll devise a solution, somehow. Or, because there aren’t always solutions, at least the start of a remedy, a way forward. Perhaps help Steven to find a healthy outlet, until they can coax him into that same communication he’d always encouraged in others…

For now, though, Pearl stands. Dawn can’t be far-off now, and Steven rises early, these days. 

She wants to be there when he does.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I love comments!


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